So I talk my husband into having an “after-party” after a charity auction with some friends – friends who weren’t great friends, as we had just moved to the area but still they had potential to be great friends so why not have them over. The charity auction went great, we are at out house, it’s going great. We have all had a few cocktails & I felt it was going flawlessly, this new town might work (we move a lot due to my husbands work, on average every 2 years). Then, I opened my mouth to tell this funny story about my son from when he was about 3 years old…and let me just say I still think it’s funny despite my “friends” reactions,(and let me also add that my husband was in the living room with the men and I was in the kitchen with the women during this story, yet he could hear me and as soon as I started to speak, he knew I was in trouble.) The women had started talking about the differences between boys & girls and I think this is a great funny story about Charlie, I’m going to share it. Here it is, pretty much verbatim:
Oh I have a funny boy story about Charlie. He was about 4 and we were late for Victoria’s soccer game. We rushed to the parking lot and I grabbed him from the car and we started running to her soccer field – with him riding piggy back on me. When he suddenly exclaimed “Mom my penis is growing.” It took me a second to really get what he was saying and that yes, as he rubbed up and down on my back as we ran, his penis grew, and he liked it. I just about threw him off my back as I was laughing so hard yet somewhat grossed out that he was turned on off my piggy back ride, yet still amazed at his little penis.
Faces fell to the floor, conversation halted, no one laughed, no one even chuckled, the party stopped, done, finished, over. One woman immediately called for her husband, another asked for their coats, and another looked at her watch and said, “oh my it is late, we need to go too”. REALLY?! Really?! Over a penis? Should I have called it something else? Do they not get hard? Hadn’t their boys figured this out too? Do they not “grow” when rubbed up and down? Don’t all young boys figure this out early? Had none of these women ever seen what a penis can do? Didn’t they have kids?! Did their husbands not have a penis?! Did their husband’s penis not get hard when rubbed?! I was so confused, it’s a funny story, not a party stopper – what happened? The silence and awkwardness were amazing. I never felt anything like it. They all left. Left me there with my husband – who saw me sliding down the slippery slope of penis topics yet couldn’t stop me from crashing & burning.
Needless to say, we didn’t stay in this town long and I don’t think I ever had any of those women over again.
<i still think it’s a funny story>